Learn how to read…. through reading.

Reading in 15 Minutes a Day

As I sit watching A Christmas Story for the 8th time on TBS, I’m reminded of a scarring moment in my past, the moment I discovered a vexing and perplexing cinematic travesty of magnificent proportions – It Runs in the Family. Take a gander at the synopsis of It Runs in the Family from IMDB.com:

It is now summer in the Parker family; and the usual amount of numerous events are happening in their separate lives. Ralphie is searching for the perfect top to use to beat the school bully with, the Old Man is in battle with their hillbilly neighbors, the Bumpus, while eagerly awaiting the discovery of the perfect fishing spot, and the Mother is attempting to collect all of the pieces of a glass china set at a local movie theater.

You may have read through that and thought, hmm, sounds like an innocuous yet standard piece of drivel churned out by the movie industry. But wait, then it hits you – Ralphie? Bumpus? The Parkers? What the hell is going on here?! I’ll tell you what’s going on here. MGM tried to slip a sequel to A Christmas Story past us without so much as a “sorry for the smell, I wouldn’t go in there for another 35, 45 minutes”.
You may ask, how bad could it be? Well, to illustrate, check out the IMDB listing and you’ll see a veritable cornucopia of movie-making suckitude:

First, the movie art:

The film was apparently originally titled My Summer Story, a subtle (read: weak) link to the original, yet was changed to It Runs in the Family. However, none of the movie art was ever updated to reflect this change. I know PhotoShop existed in 1994. They couldn’t just put a new title on the movie poster? Apparently the film studio gave up on this film before the public had a chance to.

Second, the casting:

Who	Christmas	Summer
Ralphie	Peter Billingsley	Kieran Culkin
Breakdown: Seriously, Kieran Culkin? At least Macauley was a cute kid. This isn’t even close. Verdict: Christmas

Who	Christmas	Summer
Randy Parker	Ian Petrella	Christian Culkin
Breakdown: Another frickin’ Culkin? Sure, this was 1994, but wasn’t the Culkin Experiment over by this point? Verdict: Christmas

Who	Christmas	Summer
Mrs. Parker	Melinda Dillon	Mary Steenburgen
Breakdown: While the mom isn’t exactly a scene stealer, at least Melinda Dillon can act her way out of a crate marked fra-jee-lay. Verdict: Christmas

Who	Christmas	Summer
The Old Man	Darren McGavin	Charles Grodin
Breakdown: How did Charles Grodin find the time in his demanding schedule of comically struggling against the whimsical desires of a lovable St. Bernard in 18 straight direct-to-video films to work on this gem, in which he comically struggles against the Bumpus hounds? Verdict: Christmas

I think we have our winner. Stick to TBS today, pretend this movie never happened, and enjoy your Christmas.

I’ve got more Phils stuff to post but I haven’t gotten around to it. Stupid business school. Anywho, in the meantime, go buy one of these. I already did.

[World Fucking Champions : Inner Legend : CafePress.com]

And 25 years of futility in Philadelphia sports ends. Hollywood Hamels on the mound tonight, wrapping up the World Series and taking home the MVP hardware. You heard it here first… or tenth.

Pop quiz. Take a look at the following graphic and guess what the blue parts of the country represent:

The blue represents:
A) Real America
B) Pro-America America
C) Anti-America America
D) Communists
E) People who picked the Phillies to win the Series in an ESPN poll

Just in case you were wondering, if you’re in a red state, you’re a moron. Sorry. It’s science.

A couple of interesting things to note:
Before Saturday’s game, Tim McGraw, famous for being the son of Tug McGraw, scattered a handful of Tug’s ashes on the mound before throwing out the ceremonial first pitch. Clearly, Tug influenced Chooch’s winning swinging bunt in the bottom of the 9th.
Before Sunday’s game, John Kruk scattered a handful of John Kruk’s left testicle on the mound. Clearly, the Krukker’s cancerous organ added the juice to those Ryan Howard bombs.

There’s no good answer. Why can’t us, indeed.

[Why Can't Us : 609design Shop : CafePress.com]
[Why Can't Us : 700level.com]

I’m 30. All growns up. And yet, this video killed me. Watch the entire 4 minutes. It is worth every wasted second that you will never get back.

Here’s a midterm report for those of you remotely interested (i.e. bored out of your mind).

First, I didn’t bring my camera cable with me, so I can’t post any decent pictures from my summer yet, but there are some extremely poor quality phone cam pics here to help you visualize the events contained in my riveting recap.

The job, or yob (It might be pronounced with a silent J. Some things about the working world get forgotten in b-school.)

The front gate in Emeryville, CA

To give you an idea of what goes on around here, this was how a couple of hours were spent last Friday afternoon: Pixar Motorama. Pixar employees showcased their sweet rides. There are three sets of photos on flickr [1, 2, 3] that captured some really good shots of the vehicles. I was more interested in this custom-made wood-framed chopper:

But this old Studebaker wasn’t bad.

I managed to hit 2 Phillies games when they were in Oak-town visiting the A’s and caught a Cubbies-Giants tilt the following week. Monster Park is a pretty sweet venue, but the Coliseum… well… the Coliseum sucks. Let’s be honest. Although maybe the fact that kids can hang out on the second deck in right field and smoke massive amounts of weed is one of the selling points. Here’s a shot of Phillies catcher Carlos Ruiz moments before a softly hit groundball, a Ruiz specialty.

A whopping 10,000 fans fill the Coliseum

I really have no commentary that can capture Box Wars, so you’ll have to check out the website yourself. But to answer your questions, yes, I know this person, and yes, he did some serious damage to recycling fanatics. [Box Wars]

It’s not so bad out here…

[someecards.com]

They’re still working on uploading my photo apparently.