As I sit watching A Christmas Story for the 8th time on TBS, I’m reminded of a scarring moment in my past, the moment I discovered a vexing and perplexing cinematic travesty of magnificent proportions – It Runs in the Family. Take a gander at the synopsis of It Runs in the Family from IMDB.com:

It is now summer in the Parker family; and the usual amount of numerous events are happening in their separate lives. Ralphie is searching for the perfect top to use to beat the school bully with, the Old Man is in battle with their hillbilly neighbors, the Bumpus, while eagerly awaiting the discovery of the perfect fishing spot, and the Mother is attempting to collect all of the pieces of a glass china set at a local movie theater.

You may have read through that and thought, hmm, sounds like an innocuous yet standard piece of drivel churned out by the movie industry. But wait, then it hits you – Ralphie? Bumpus? The Parkers? What the hell is going on here?! I’ll tell you what’s going on here. MGM tried to slip a sequel to A Christmas Story past us without so much as a “sorry for the smell, I wouldn’t go in there for another 35, 45 minutes”.
You may ask, how bad could it be? Well, to illustrate, check out the IMDB listing and you’ll see a veritable cornucopia of movie-making suckitude:

First, the movie art:

The film was apparently originally titled My Summer Story, a subtle (read: weak) link to the original, yet was changed to It Runs in the Family. However, none of the movie art was ever updated to reflect this change. I know PhotoShop existed in 1994. They couldn’t just put a new title on the movie poster? Apparently the film studio gave up on this film before the public had a chance to.

Second, the casting:

Who	Christmas	Summer
Ralphie	Peter Billingsley	Kieran Culkin
Breakdown: Seriously, Kieran Culkin? At least Macauley was a cute kid. This isn’t even close. Verdict: Christmas

Who	Christmas	Summer
Randy Parker	Ian Petrella	Christian Culkin
Breakdown: Another frickin’ Culkin? Sure, this was 1994, but wasn’t the Culkin Experiment over by this point? Verdict: Christmas

Who	Christmas	Summer
Mrs. Parker	Melinda Dillon	Mary Steenburgen
Breakdown: While the mom isn’t exactly a scene stealer, at least Melinda Dillon can act her way out of a crate marked fra-jee-lay. Verdict: Christmas

Who	Christmas	Summer
The Old Man	Darren McGavin	Charles Grodin
Breakdown: How did Charles Grodin find the time in his demanding schedule of comically struggling against the whimsical desires of a lovable St. Bernard in 18 straight direct-to-video films to work on this gem, in which he comically struggles against the Bumpus hounds? Verdict: Christmas

I think we have our winner. Stick to TBS today, pretend this movie never happened, and enjoy your Christmas.

P.S. This movie sucked

[Warning Label Generator]

If you grew up in the early 80s, and are a male, then there are two things you assuredly love: He-Man (from your formative years) and the Big Lebowski (from your college years). Am I right or am I right? Or am I right? Right… right… right.

Anywho… some strange folks at IdiotWork decided to mash the two of them together. Presenting He-Man, Man-At-Arms and the rest of the hyphenated hose-wearing heroes starring in [They peed on my rug]

I’ve been referring to Rocky Balboa as “The Italian Stallion” for pretty much my entire life. All along, I thought the reason for that was because somewhere in the Rocky movies he was referred to by that nickname. Lo and behold, I stumble upon this video and learn that Rocky never had that nickname in the movie. “Italian Stallion” was the name of the porn flick Sly starred in prior to his Rocky fame. The nickname was completely unrelated and yet somehow it stuck. At only 8 years old I was taunting Sly and his pornographic past. I feel like a part of my childhood innocence was stolen and I didn’t even know it.

On a lighter note, this video is hilarious. The footage from “Italian Stallion” is almost scene for scene identical to the documentary footage of Dirk Diggler as Brock Landers in Boogie Nights. This is obviously where they got their inspiration.

Looks like we’ve got a winner. Ron Burgundy stars as Ricky Bobby, Nascar legend. “Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver.” “If you ain’t first, you’re last”

[Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby]

And just because it’s Valentine’s Day, here’s a little SportsCenter love from Papa Burgundy… [Ron Burgundy's SportsCenter Audition]

“Seriously, this thing is going to be a financial and cultural disaster. SportsCenter. Think about that. That’s just dumb.”

Easily the best “Brokeback” spoof out there.

credit due… [chocolate cake city]
previously… [Comboys are My Weakness]

Larry David on Brokeback Mountain: If two cowboys, male icons who are 100 percent all-man, can succumb, what chance to do I have, half- to a quarter of a man, depending on whom I’m with at the time?

I think I’m with Larry on this one. Except for the “half- to a quarter of a man” part. I’d like to give myself a little more credit than that.

[Cowboys Are My Weakness - New York Times]

Joseph “Blue” Palasky has died… for real this time…
['Old School' actor Cranshaw dies at 86]

To honor the passing of an 80s icon, the Sports Guy fills in slot number 11 on his Best Sports Movies Ever list with a great article on the entire Karate Kid trilogy:
[ESPN.com: Page 2 : The Sports Guy's Top Sports Movies: No. 11]

You’re the best…. AROUND! Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down!