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Learn how to read…. through reading.

Reading in 15 Minutes a Day

I may only have 4 months of business school education and 6 years of work experience, but something about this scenario just seems to scream “ridiculously poor business practice”:

Jan 12th: Lose cell phone in the city by the bay-ay-AY-ay. (After the lights… went down… in the cit-ay)

Jan 14th: Stroll into AT&T Wireless store, drop $200 on a “smart” phone. UPGRADE service to include unlimited data usage. In addition to the $49.99 per month I was being charged for voice services, I’m now going to pay another $29.99 for data services. Does my original voice service stay the same? To quote Joey Tribiani, Supposably….

Jan 21st: After numerous SMS messages over the course of a week are lost in the ether, wait on hold for 40 minutes to speak to a service representative while being assured roughly 90 times that my call is important. When I finally speak to a representative, I’m informed that text messaging is not part of my current plan.

“You’re not signed up for a messaging plan.” Of course not! Why would I be? All I did was give you more money to upgrade! I didn’t explicitly say “don’t take away my text messaging”! Why would text messaging be standard these days anyway? Who doesn’t know that when you add unlimited websurfing, it’s standard practice to turn off text messaging… on a SMART PHONE NO LESS? What kind of fool am I?!?

Well, I’ll tell you what kind of fool – the kind of fool that just upgraded again. “Sure, AT&T, here’s another $10 a month for text messaging. Let me know how I can be of further service for the next two years while I’m stuck in another terrible one-sided contract. By the way, I’m only using one kidney.”

And technology marches on!

The Fightin’ Phils are in the middle of a division race, only two games back from the stumbling, bumbling Mets. Aside from a woeful bullpen, the Phils are loaded with great young talent all over the field. The starting pitching is solid with a burdgeoning ace in Cole Hamels. The infield is loaded with Young Guns Ryan Howard (last year’s MVP), Chase Utley (this year’s MVP?), Jimmy Rollins (stud), and then I think Frankie Muniz is playing the corner. Our outfield isn’t too shabby either. Aside from Pat “The Bat” Burrell, who is something like 2 for 392 on the season with 3 walks (numbers are inexact), Aaron Rowand is solid and Shane Victorino has roughly 97 outfield assists on the season. Just a few weeks ago against the Cubs, Alfonso Soriano tried to score from second on a single to right and Victorino gunned him down at the plate with a 172 mph throw, flat-footed, into the wind, no hop. They had a radar on it, so you can trust me. It’s science.

So what does Philly.com, “the Region’s Homepage”, advertise every single day on the main sports page? Are they heralding the arrival of the first potentially great Phillies team in 15 years? Are they drumming up excitement for a summer in Philly where the Phans actually have something to root for? Are they highlighting the great play of the youngin’s? No, they’re celebrating what is an unavoidable dubious distinction. The Phillies are soon to become the first professional sports franchise with 10,000 losses.

Guess what, asshats? That’s going to happen when teams play for over a hundred years. Sure, maybe we’re the first, but we won’t be the last. What kind of home team newspaper flaunts this in the face of their team and their fans? This should be on the NY Post’s webpage, not the Philadelphia Inquirer’s webpage. And to make matters worse, it’s not just a countdown, but it’s also a walk down memory lane to relive painful losses in Phillies history. Such an embarassment. Not the 10,000 losses, but Philly.com. Who cares about 10,000 losses when we’re two games back and charging?

Turner County High School in southern Georgia held its first integrated prom this past weekend. The following quote from a former student is just plain “mind bottling”:

“The white people have theirs, and the black people have theirs. Its nothing racial at all.”

It’s like my mind is trapped in a bottle and it just can’t get out.

[Students attend schools first integrated prom - CNN.com]

Uncle Eddie: “That’s something ain’t it? She falls in a well, eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule, they go back to normal. I don’t know.”

[Scotsman.com News - Weird, odd and quirky stories - Head-butt by horse restores mans sight]

I hope I don’t get hit…. in the reeeeaaaarrrrr again.

Those Geiko commercials kill me, especially the Burt Bacharach one. I realize some people don’t care for them, like C, who squirms everytime she hears about the licking of the eyeball. And my mom, who’s 100% convinced that they’re all celebrity impersonators because there’s no way Burt Bacharach looks that bad/creepy. Regardless of your thoughts on those ads, this clip here from the Daily Show is top drawer. Top. Drawer.

[YouTube - President Bush uses Little Richard as translator]

On a semi-related note, Mr. Bacharach has a blog on the Huffington Post. I don’t really know why. I think his first post was “Hello. I’m in Delaware. I’m Burt Bacharach.”

The hirrs are arive, with the sound of engrish…

Call it Engrish, call it Chinglish, it’s endlessly fascinating and incredibly entertaining. Here are all the links you need to get you up to speed. I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it.

[engrish - a photoset on Flickr]
[engrish.com]
[my photo album from Japan: Engrish everywhere]

Not to be Nipocentric…
[Flickr: The Chinglish Pool]

Deck the harrs with berrs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra ra ra

From ZeFrank: “Never before have two pieces of bread been simultaneously placed on the ground directly opposite each other on the globe, thus making an Earth sandwich. The fact that the Earth has never been a sandwich is probably why things are so f*cked up.”

That’s ridiculous, you say? I’d say you’re obviously living in an open-faced Earth sandwich state of mind.

[If the Earth were a sandwich]
[the full Earth Sandwich challenge]

If you grew up in the early 80s, and are a male, then there are two things you assuredly love: He-Man (from your formative years) and the Big Lebowski (from your college years). Am I right or am I right? Or am I right? Right… right… right.

Anywho… some strange folks at IdiotWork decided to mash the two of them together. Presenting He-Man, Man-At-Arms and the rest of the hyphenated hose-wearing heroes starring in [They peed on my rug]